Professor: So your answer is "Yes"?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Ok. Well, let me tell you that the shorter and more accurate answer is "No".

--Vanderbilt Hall, NYU

Teen: Excuse me officer, do you guys still do that thing where you get a grand for turning in people with guns?
Cop: Yeah, if they are arrested and are in possession of illegal firearms.
Teen: So, is that like a grand per head kinda deal?
Officer: I don't think so, no.
Teen: Oh...I don't know shit. (walks away)

--Colombus Circle Station

**********

Man on cell: Do you have any (quieter and mumbled) bags? (pause, more intense) Do you have any (mumbled)? (one word at a time) Weed! Weed! Do you have any weeeed? (pause) No? Nothing? Well you're not much of a drug dealer then, are you?

--77th St & 3rd Ave, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

**********

Teenage girl to guy with long hair and long beard in a tie-dye shirt: You look like you could be some kind of famous stoner.

--L Train

**********

Mother to seven-year-old son (angrily): Don't you ever tell anyone else at school that I smoke marijuana! I'll go to jail and you'll be dead! (suddenly calm) It is, however, something I personally believe people should have a right to do.

--M102 Bus

Chick: You have never truly lived until you have been surrounded by drunk Welsh rugby fans singing I Touch Myself.

International Airport
Denver, Colorado

Patron: What do you suggest if I don't want red meat?
Luger's waiter: Another restaurant.

--Peter Luger's

Girl, pointing at KFC: Don't eat there. They're mean to the chickens.

Middle-aged Jewish lady with thick Queens accent flipping through People magazine: So, what do you think about this whole thing with Madonna?
90-year-old man sitting next to her: Who?
Middle-aged Jewish lady: Madonna.
Man: Who?
Middle-aged Jewish lady: Madonna.
Man: Who?
Middle-aged Jewish lady: Madonna!
Man: Oh! The colored guy! Yeah, I don't think he'll win.

Jetblue Flight
Florida to New York

Annoyed sexy girl: This is stupid! I don't see how you can just think one city is older than another!
Embarrassed boyfriend: Think about it. Can't you see how Rome would be much older than, say, Provo, Utah?
Annoyed sexy girl: Well, I've never been to either of those, so how would I know?

--Duane Reade, Columbus Ave, NYC

Hobo: Can you spare a quarter?
Young female Brit on phone: Just a sec, Mitch* (turns to hobo) what is it?
Hobo: A quarter, can you spare a quarter?
Brit: A qua-what?
Hobo: Twenty five fucking cents!
Brit: Here, have your quarter. No...in fact, take a dollar, go get pissed, or do crack. Or weed. Whatever you...
Hobo (interrupting): Actually, I was thinking sushi tonight.

--29th & 6th, NYC

(man is eating, drug dealer sits at his table)
Dealer: An eight ball, right?
(man's cell rings, he answers)
Man (into cell): I'm... at the gym. (pause) Yeah, and this call has made me one of those annoying people on the phone at the treadmills. I'll call you later. (to dealer) Yeah, an eight ball.

--McDonald's, The Village

Drunk girl screaming: No one here cares about any of the issues. None of you are from here. That just makes me sick, none of you are fucking from here.
Bus driver over PA: Sweetie, unless your name is Pocahontas, you're not from here either.

NJ Transit Bus

Male coworker #1: I don't care how much of a bitch she is, her tits are unbelievable.
Male coworker #2: Shit, did you see that red thing she was wearing yesterday? I had to jerk off in the bathroom during lunch.
Female coworker they're talking about: You guys are aware that I can hear you, right?
Male coworker #1: In our own defense, we weren't aware of that.

Chelmsford, Massachusetts

Customer: Can I have five barbecue sauces?
Cashier: No. This is not Burger King. You cannot have it your way.

--McDonald's, NYC

Englishman in Manchester City shirt: Oi, is that a Manchester United shirt?
Eight-year-old Japanese boy: Herro.
Englishman in Manchester City shirt: Hello, you cunt.

Japan

Girl #1: She's a stupid skanky whore!
Girl #2: Yeah, but she's family.

--Union Square