Bloke goes to the doctor.

She says to him "You've got to stop wanking".

"Why?" he asks

"Because I'm trying to examine you".

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same
time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.


# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.


# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.




# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.


AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN
NASCAR..............


1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

What's red and not there?

No tomatoes

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at
a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel
dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll
be right back and we'll go to eat" she told her husband and carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the
elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them
was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first
thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes
are powerful, and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned
around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed,
and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The
elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.
'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said,
"Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed
on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money
and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men
say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to,
we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the
words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman
lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her
up.
Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the
floor," said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time
not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was
too humiliated to speak.
The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to
her room.. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid
she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good
evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as
they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled
herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next
morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."


It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I had a chicken tarka last night...

it was a bit like a chicken tikka, only otter

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

As he walked out of the agent's office, the guy said, 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together!'

FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

Two lions walking down the high street. One turns to the other and says "It's a bit quiet for a Saturday, isn't it?".

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

David Beckham is back in London and interviewed by the Evening Standard:

"So David, what have you been up to since you've been back in the UK?"

"We went for a lovely meal last night" answered the football legend.

"Where did you go?"

"Erm... I can't remember... Name me a station"

"Paddington?"

"Erm... no not Pddington" David replied

"Kings Cross?"

"...No"

"Victoria?"

"That's it" David exclaimed "Victoria... where did we go for dinner?"