Dude #1: I was gonna ask her to be my girlfriend.
Dude #2: Why didn't you?
Dude #1: I realized I fucking hate her.

Daly City, California




Employee (during global teleconference with CEO): I don't have a question, but I just wanted to thank you for the opportunity to work here. Although I am deaf, it hasn't stopped me from having a chance of proving myself.
CEO: I appreciate your comment. That is a subject that is near and dear to my heart, since I have a son who is deaf.
Employee: What?

New Jersey

Girl at register: There's no time for crazy anal tonight. There's never time for crazy anal.

Ridgewood, New Jersey

* * * * * *

Customer: Man, you have a shitty fucking job.
Sales rep: Yeah.

Whitcoulls
Lower Hutt
New Zealand

* * * * * *

Dad: King of the Hill?
Six-year-old daughter: Yeah!
Dad: Simpsons?
Six-year-old daughter: Yeah!
Dad: Alf?
Six-year-old daughter: Noooooooo.

--117th & Broadway

* * * * * *

Girl to friend: Sometimes she comes back from a party, and she's like, "Laura and I totally double-teamed this guy last night!" And I'm like, "That is just so wrong."

Hamilton College
Clinton, New York

Train conductor: (mumbling)
British suit: So you understood what he just said?
New Yorker: Of course.
British suit: Well, what did he say?
New Yorker: He said, "Shut the fuck up, you fucking foreigner, you're on a train and you'll be home soon."

--1 Train

Tourist: Excuse me, but could you please tell me the time?
New Yorker: What do I look like? Big fuckin' Ben or somethin'?

--Broadway

Mom #1 (watching her boy): We originally chose the name Eric, but now I'm thinking we should just call him Rick.
Mom #2: But then he would be... Rick James?
Mom #1: Yes. I think it suits him better.
Little boy (running by): I'm Rick James, bitch!
Mom #1: Maybe we should just stay with Eric.

--Baker Beach, San Francisco

Nerdy guy: I don't understand what the significance of the number 69 is. Can someone explain it to me?
Girl: You go to NYU and you don't know that?
(nerdy guy shakes his head)
Girl: To put it bluntly, it's two people giving each other head.
Nerdy guy: Wait, but what does that mean?
Girl: Oh my god...I can't tell you that now. You're the most innocent guy here. It would be like killing a unicorn.

--Kimmel Center, NYU

Goofy man wearing "pimp" shirt and "I love boobies" bracelet: Yes! Our theater is closer to my bathroom. Ha ha, you lose!
Attractive brunette: You are the worst blind date ever!

Movie Theater
Monterey, California

* * * * *

Physics professor: Nature doesn't care what you think.

De Anza College
Cupertino, California

Dad: Oh, the menu says they have fish tacos. Have you ever had a fish taco? I've never had a fish taco.
Mom: No, I haven't. I don't think I'm going to get a fish taco.
Young daughter (under her breath): Fish tacos make me think bad things.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Professor, discussing the concept of virtue in literature: Today, when you hear the word "virtue", you just kind of laugh.
And that's because your souls are all festering masses of corruption.

Literary Theory Class
Ottawa
Canada

* * * * *

Receptionist on phone: No, sir... No, but you can leave him a voice mail telling him how much you hate his guts.
I hope you have a shitty day too, sir.

Fairfax, Virginia

Crying girl to boyfriend: But I love you! You love me!
Boyfriend: Listen very carefully to me. I fucked her. You shouldn't have been a bitch to me about your friends. Now you can get over this and stop being a bitch and we can go get dinner and ice cream and then go home and fuck like sexy little drunk bunnies, or you can keep it up and find yourself without a boyfriend. Your call. Move on and be in love with me, or be a bitch and get dumped.
Girlfriend, still crying: I'm sorry.
Boyfriend: I know. It's okay.

Atlanta, Georgia


The caption for this piece is:
"This Is the Same Girl Who Checks Out the Basement in Horror Movies"


* * * * *

Drunk middle aged lady: Aww, love is great...you and your boyfriend are such a cute couple.
Chick: Oh, that guy? He's not my boyfriend. I'm just sleeping with him.
Drunk middle aged lady (laughing): Really? Good for you, he's cute. Well, maybe it'll turn into something more?
Chick: Oh, god no! He's an asshole...but he's amazing in bed and he's fun company. He's like a vibrator that makes appetizers.

--White Horse Tavern, NYC

Woman #1: They're teaching sex ed in school. But he wasn't understanding what "menstruation" was, so I told him it was like throwing a party, and you put up decorations and make a cake, but no one shows up so you tear it all down and throw it away.
Woman #2: That's clever.
Woman #1: And that premature ejaculation is when everyone shows up to the party two hours too early while you're still getting ready.

--Bench, Central Park

Little girl to popsicle: And then I'm going to lick you and suck on you until you melt all over me.
Concerned mother: Kelly! I told you not to talk to popsicles!