Portsmouth to be released early from Premiership on compassionate grounds

By Ivor Courtcase

Portsmouth are to be controversially released from the Premier League eight months early on compassionate grounds after losing all their games, all their decent players, and all their hope and dignity for the season.

The move has been agreed in order to spare them further pain and humiliation in the forthcoming season, the Football Association announced today.

“Have you been to Fratton Park lately?” said an FA spokesperson.

“It’s just like watching Scotland. But without the delusional false hope.”

“You’d have to be a heartless soul to force them to see out their sentence in the top flight of English football,” he added.

“I think we can all agree, they’ve served their time, we should show them some mercy.”

Return home

The ailing South Coast club will this week be allowed to return home to its family, where it will discreetly keel over and drop into the Championship, probably sometime around November, medical experts predict.

However, the news of Portsmouth’s release from the Premier League has prompted some to react angrily.

“Portsmouth are laughing in our faces,” fumed Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson.

“They brought Premier League status upon themselves by playing criminally good football the season they got promoted.”

“And I’m sorry pal, but ‘nil points’ and ‘takeover turmoil’ is no excuse to wimp out of their perennial Old Trafford arse-shafting.”

Anger

Other senior figures within the game agreed with Ferguson’s stance.

“Zees decision gives succour to relegation struggleurz ze weurld over,” snapped Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger, before punting a defenceless bottle of water up the touchline and being sent to the stands without any supper.

“It’s nothing to do with me,” insisted Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

“And you don’t watch Scotland with delusional false hope. It’s one-hundred-and-ten-percent genuine false hope. OK?” he concluded.

Losing referees Riley and Styles worse than losing Ronaldo, says Ferguson

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed that recently retired referees Mike Riley and Rob Styles are a bigger loss to his team than departed Cristiano Ronaldo.

United stuttered through an unconvincing 1-0 opening day victory against Premier League new-boys Birmingham City, and Ferguson’s men were clearly missing the threat normally posed by compliant match officials.

Despite a win secured by a Wayne Rooney goal, Ferguson was less than pleased with how his team had coped with the new refereeing roster.

“A win is a win, but the nature of the victory was more than a little concerning,” said Ferguson in the post-match press conference.

“People will point to the 20-odd goals you could expect from Cristiano, but nobody ever mentions the sterling work done by Riley and Styles in creating those goals.”

“Those guys were real team players, the unsung heroes of much of our success.”

“They would contribute all over the pitch, not just with favourable penalty decisions in both areas, but with 50/50 challenges all over the pitch,”

“There is also the awarding of free-kicks in shooting range and the numerous goal line clearances.”

“But most of all, I think we’ll miss their uncanny ability to make the game seem longer than it’s meant to be when we really, really needed it.”

Referees

A Premier League official has reacted to Sir Alex’s claims by leaping to the defence of the new referees.

“They’re just learning the ropes, and obviously don’t yet know the Premier League hierarchy that’s currently in place.”

“But we’ve invested heavily in their development and they’ll be up to speed soon enough, it’s just a matter of gaining the right experience.”

“And nothing gives you that experience like being subjected to a 96th minute spittle-infused rant from Sir Alex.”

“After that, I am sure they will be significantly more compliant.”

This will only confuse Mr Tein and all those other English guys, but I'm posting it anyway.

Drew Brees is the best quarterback in the league! And he's also a great guy! And if anybody disagrees, I'm going to come and find you and wrestle you to the ground until you come to your senses and admit that I am right.

Because he had to figure out some way to get to New Orleans.

I forgot to mention it earlier but he's real smart, too!

Brew Drees and football? Are we talking leggings and motor bike helmets?

But what will he do against the mighty Eagles defense?

I'd like to get this topic back to the proper sport of football - the one where the ball is spherical and the players aren't big Jessies in body armour.

My team, Woking FC, are third in the league and doing very well. However they are a full time team whilst most of the rest are plumbers and builders who happen to kick a ball occasionally so maybe shouldn't be too jubilant.

The team I manage, Mayford Jaguars Under 9's, have played only one fixture so far and lost that 3 - 0. The other team had the advantage of having the bizzarest 8 year old in history - he looked about 27 - who scored all the goals. My youngest, Jamie, saved a penalty and got Man of the Match so we went home happy.

Spelthorne away on Sunday - they're top of the division having won 8 - 0 last weekend so I'm bricking it.

"And all the world is football-shaped"




Looks like Earth to me.

It's the big Manchester derby on Sunday. I think United should edge that one. Just wish Tevez was playing for City. And good luck to the 'ammers this evening. I see Ronaldo got a couple of screamers for Real in the week. Ahhh, who needs him?

Blimey today was a bit of a throwback. Woking at home vs Newport County. Away fans horrible. Ignored the segregation, invaded the pitch, stood wherever they wanted. And these weren't kids they were in their 40's. Pathetic. And we lost, deservedly, 1-0. Missed a penalty - by a mile. Grump.

Well saints won yesterday taking us to minus 2 points! We won 2-0. The first a penalty gift fromt heir defender who swiped out striker down when he was going no where. The second a penalty that only the linesman saw.

Happy days

4-3. I'm totally wired.